


Midsummer Night Thieves

by Lesetoilesfous



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bastardizing Shakespeare, Crack, Drama, F/F, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, References to Shakespeare, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 13:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5542358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesetoilesfous/pseuds/Lesetoilesfous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which I am challenged by a friend to write Feitan's take on friend-fiction as a stageplay, and end up bastardizing a Midsummer Night's Dream. </p><p>Herein lie creative liberties, polyamory, murder clowns, madness and sap. Because lets be honest, the Ryodan are a bunch of dorks.</p><p>AU, occasionally OOC (though I do my best), crack, fluff, angst etc!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Midsummer Night Thieves

ACT I

Scene 1

 

_(Serfs and peasants prepare for a grand wedding. The grand duke, FRANKLIN, is anxious. He goes to his fiancé, SHIZUKU)_

FRANKLIN: 

Shizuku. My love, I cannot wait for our wedding. I know it's only four days but it feels like forever. Sometimes I wish I could make the moon change more quickly, instead she seems to take her time. She lingers my desires.

SHIZUKU:

It's ok. Days always turn quickly into night, and we can dream those away. Until the day, and the night, that the moon shines brightly over our wedding. And our wedding night...

_(They kiss. Enter Hisoka. Franklin and Shizuku break apart)_

HISOKA: 

I do hate to interrupt

FRANKLIN:

That's a lie

HISOKA:

Maybe. But I am here on serious business. I'm sorry Shizuku, but I'll need to borrow your fiancé.

SHIZUKU:

Whatever

_(She exits)_

FRANKLIN:

What's so important?

HISOKA:

It's about my ward. You know, the sweet Kurta boy that I adopted

FRANKLIN:

Shalnark

HISOKA:

Yes. It's really quite annoying.

_(They join SHALNARK, UVOGIN AND PHINKS, who are waiting for them)_

HISOKA:

Phinks, stand up

_(PHINKS does so)_

HISOKA:

Sir duke, this man is the one I gave permission to marry Shalnark... You can sit down now. 

_(PHINKS sits down)_

HISOKA:

Stand up Uvogin.

_(Uvogin stands)_

HISOKA:

And this man has tricked my poor, vulnerable child, with lies and flattery. You, Uvogin...

 

_(HISOKA dances around UVOGIN)_

HISOKA:

You have teased him. Given him presents. Whispered sweet nothings into his ear in the middle of the night and turned him not only from his intended suitor, the noble Phinks, but even from his father. He used to do whatever I said. Now, he is only stubborn. Those are your ideas in his head.

_(HISOKA snaps his fingers, and ILLUMI steps forward with a heavy book)_

HISOKA:

So. According to the law on this...pleasant little island, as his father I can do what I want with Shalnark. My choice, therefore, is to either deliver him to this man.

_(HISOKA points at PHINKS, who looks conflicted.)_

HISOKA:

Or to his death by my hand.

FRANKLIN:

What do you have to say, Shalnark?

_(SHALNARK is upset, but silent.)_

PHINKS:

Come on Shal. Just give up. And you, Uvo. Let it go. It's not worth it.

UVOGIN:

You have his father's love, let me have his. Do you want to marry Hisoka?

_(PHINKS flings a punch at UVOGIN. They struggle. HISOKA gets between them.)_

HISOKA:

He does have my love...But then, with my love he can have everything that is mine. And Shalnark is mine. And so, he shall belong to Phinks.

UVOGIN:

Duke Franklin, this is madness. I am just as strong as Phinks - just as intelligent, just as capable in battle. I can have as much money as he does. I love Shalnark more than any other in the world. And, most importantly, he loves me. Why can't I go after his hand in marriage?

_(He points at PHINKS)_

I know for a fact that this man won Feitan's heart just a few weeks ago and that after he had done so he left him. Instead, he went to pine after Shalnark. Feitan is still loyal, kind as he is, and madly in love. But Phinks? He is a spotted and inconstant snake. He jumps from one love to another and now he would rather force Shalnark's hand than win his love fairly. As I did!

FRANKLIN:

I must say that I heard as much already.

_(HISOKA pretends to be surprised.)_

SHALNARK:

My lord. I'm sorry, but I have to speak.

_(He laughs)_

I don't know how I feel so brave, suddenly. But this is important. I have to ask. What's the worst that will happen to me?

FRANKLIN:

Either you'll be killed, at Hisoka's demand, or live as a monk. You will be sworn off touch, and romance, and any kind of intimacy.

Shalnark, don't rush into this. Marrying Phinks might not be so bad. It might be better than spending the rest of your life cold, singing dusty hymns in the dark.

SHALNARK:

But it's how I'll live. How I'll live, and how I'll die. I'd prefer that to being forced into the bed of someone I don't love. Instead of belonging to someone I don't want to be with.

FRANKLIN:

Please think about this...

_(SHIZUKU enters and watches from the doorway. FRANKLIN takes the book of law from ILLUMI.)_

Shalnark. By the next new moon, either you will die by Hisoka's hand, marry Phinks, as both of them want you to, or become a monk. Take your time. Think it through.

_(SHIZUKU leaves. FRANKLIN is uncomfortable.)_

Phinks, Hisoka, follow me. I want to have a word with you.

_(FRANKLIN, PHINKS, and HISOKA exit. SHALNARK sits, suddenly.)_

UVOGIN:

Shal? Baby, what's wrong?

SHALNARK:

Oh you know. My impending death. Or, hey, glorified sale to a man I don't love. Everything's fine.

UVOGIN:

Shal. Come on. You know, maybe I don't know much. But I do know this. There's one thing that's the same in every story I've ever read or heard of. The course of true love never did run smooth. If there's choice then something else goes wrong: sickness and war and death attack it and make it short as anything. Like a sound, or a shadow, or a dream. It's blown out as fast as lightning on a stormy night. And before anyone can say "hey, look, this is a good thing we have" - it's gone. It just fades and it's over before you really saw it. Darkness eats it all up.  That's how fast bright things fall apart. 

_(He pulls SHALNARK close)_

But listen. I have an aunt. She's rich and she's a widow and we're the only family each other has. And she lives outside of this city, just beyond the forest...

 

SCENE 2

FEITAN:

Some people can be so happy at the expense of others. Life isn't fair, and love isn't either. Everyone thinks that Shalnark and I are as good looking as each other. Sure, we're different. But it never seemed like a bad thing. So what? Phinks doesn't seem to think so, and it's not like I can change his mind. Love, even his, doesn't just look through a person's eyes. It looks through their thoughts, however dense or confused. It twists what most people see and think is true. 

_(SHALNARK and UVOGIN enter)_

SHALNARK:

Hey, Feitan! Where are you going, gorgeous? Are you alright?

FEITAN:

Take that back

SHALNARK:

What?

FEITAN:

I'm not gorgeous. It doesn't matter if I am. Phinks wants your gorgeous, not mine. It'd be nice to be that lucky. Not like life is that nice. But still. If you could catch good looks like you can catch a cold, I'd want to catch yours.

Teach me?

SHALNARK:

Teach you what?

FEITAN:

You know. How you look. The way you act. The ways and things about you that Phinks loves so much. Like the colour and shape of your lips. The brightness of your eyes. The way you smile, and laugh, and -

SHALNARK:

Fei, stop. I didn't make Phinks fall in love with me. I didn't want him to. That was all him

FEITAN:

He fell in love with your beauty. It's your only flaw

SHALNARK:

Well, you won't have to worry about my beauty any more. Uvo and I are running away.

UVOGIN:

We wanted you to know. Tomorrow night, when it's dark and the moon and stars are out, we'll run into the forest

SHALNARK:

After that we'll go to Uvo's aunt. And then to new friends and stranger company.

_(SHALNARK steps forward, taking FEITAN's hands in his)_

I love you. I'll miss you, more than I can say.

_(SHALNARK presses a quick, chaste kiss to FEITAN's lips, and then kisses UVOGIN before he exits.)_

See you tomorrow, lover

UVOGIN:

I'll be there, sweet one. Bye, Feitan. Good luck with Phinks. 

_(UVOGIN exits too. FEITAN is left alone on stage.)_

FEITAN:

Fuck.

SCENE 3

 

_(Enter KORTOPI. After them, MACHI, or COBWEB, as she is known.)_

KORTOPI:

Evening, spirit. Where are you going?

MACHI:

Where haven't I been? Hills, dales, rain, fire. You name it, I've been there on a job for my queen. But you...I have a feeling you're the one they call Robin Goodfellow. Aren't you? The one that tricks the children until they can't stop laughing and copies all the good wives' nice golden rings

KORTOPI:

I am that happy traveller of the night, and some know me as Robin. Others as Puck, though I call myself Kortopi. I play jokes for King Chrollo. I make him laugh.

MACHI:

Enchanted. Anyway, I have to go. The Queen and her elves will be her soon.

KORTOPI:

So will the King. You should keep the Queen away, he is not happy with her

_(PAKUNODA enters with a retinue of spirits. So does CHROLLO)_

CHROLLO:

Ill met by moonlight, proud Pakunoda.

PAKUNODa:

Really? Jealous Chrollo? Come, sprites. I've left his bed and his company.

CHROLLO:

Not so fast, my love. Aren't I still your Lord?

PAKUNODA:

How dare you ask? When you've trailed all the way from Huaxia to follow your bouncing, boxing mistress Shizuku

CHROLLO:

Pakunoda. You can hardly hold Shizuku against me when we both know that you're only here for Franklin.

PAKUNODA:

So? This argument is not just about them. My King, it has been months. We have twisted the natural world into disorder. Storms in June and blistering heat deep into September. Everything is wrong, and it is all because of us...

CHROLLO:

So fix it. The argument started with you. I just want the little Zoldyck child

PAKUNODA:

Don't bother, Chrollo. the fairy world cannot claim any child of mine. I bought them from their mother, an accomplished murderess, and I will not part with them. Not only are their skills useful to me, but they wish to stay by my side. I will not give them up.

CHROLLO:

How long will you stay here in the woods?

PAKUNODA:

Until after Franklin's wedding, maybe. If you let this go now, you're welcome to join my fairies and I in our dances under the moonlight.

CHROLLO:

Give me the child and I will. They would make a great addition to my retinue

PAKUNODA:

Not for all your fairy kingdom. Until I see you again, then, Chrollo

_(PAKUNODA and MACHI exit with the fairies)_

CHROLLO:

Go, then. I'll have my revenge for this rejection. Kortopi

KORTOPI:

I am here

CHROLLO:

Do you remember the time we sat on the pier and heard a mermaid sing? It was so beautiful even stars fell down to hear it

KORTOPI:

I remember

CHROLLO:

I saw something you could not see, back then. Cupid himself, letting an arrow loose from his bow. It flew, and flew, and hit a white flower, which is now purple with the wound of love. The people of that place call it love-in-idleness. I showed it to you once. I want you to fetch it for me. The juice of the petals, when laid upon the eyes of a sleeping person, will make them fall instantly in love with whoever they see first when they wake up. Get it for me, fast, before the leviathan can swim a league.

KORTOPI:

I'll put a girdle about the Earth in forty minutes

_(KORTOPI exits)_

CHROLLO:

Once I have this herb, I'll put the juice on Pakunoda's eyes. And then she'll instantly love whatever foul thing she sees, whether it's a bull or a lion or a wolf or a boar, and follow it wherever it goes. And when I've had enough, I'll take away the spell and have her give the Zoldyck child to me.

Wait. Someone is coming. I'll make myself invisible, and overhear their conversation

_(Enter PHINKS, followed by FEITAN)_

PHINKS:

I don't love you, so don't follow me. You told me Uvogin and Shalnark had run into the woods, but they're not here. So go, before I lose my temper

FEITAN:

I can't help it. You lead me on, so I follow. If you gave up whatever power you have that pulls me to you like this, I'd stop following.

PHINKS:

Am I flirting with you? Do I say nice things? Give you gifts? Lie? No. Instead I'm saying, honestly, I don't love you.

FEITAN:

Even for that, I love you more. I must be mad. But hell. Have me, however you like. I'm not asking for much. Just let me follow you.

PHINKS:

Don't...I feel sick when I look at you

FEITAN:

And I feel sick when I cannot see you

PHINKS:

You've taken this too far. Feitan, it's dangerous to come into the woods alone at night. You don't know what monsters or thieves you might meet. Even people you think are kind might...act differently

FEITAN:

Then I suppose I have your good nature to thank for my safety

PHINKS:

No. I'll run from you if I have to

FEITAN:

I'll follow

PHINKS:

Oh, come on. Don't push me, alright? I will hurt you

FEITAN:

Then hurt me. There's nothing you can do to me that will be more painful than being this badly in love with you.

_(PHINKS exits. FEITAN follows)_

CHROLLO:

Take care, nymph. Before the sun rises, he will love you

_(Re-enter KORTOPI)_

Do you have the flower? Welcome back, wanderer

KORTOPI:

I do. Here it is

CHROLLO:

Give it to me.

I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,

Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,

Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,

With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:

Pakunoda sleeps there sometime of the night,

Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight;

And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,

Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in:

And with the juice of this I'll streak her eyes,

And make her full of hateful fantasies.

_(CHROLLO takes petals from the flower and gives them to KORTOPI)_

Take some of this and go through the forest. A sweet, small man is in love with a tall and disdainful one. Drop this juice into the eyes of the larger - but do it so that the next thing he sees is the small one. You'll know the man by the green clothes he wears. Be careful - make sure he loves the small one more than the small one loves him. Meet me here by the time the first cockerel crows.

KORTOPI:

I will

SCENE 4

 

_(Enter PAKUNODA, MACHI and the fairies)_

PAKUNODA:

Oh come, Cobweb, don't sulk like this. We're safe now. Let's play

MACHI:

Something feels wrong

PAKUNODA:

Just your suspicions. Trust me, sweet one. 

 

KALLUTO:

I don't mean to cause any trouble, my lady

PAKUNODA: 

Oh no, sweet one, it isn't you. The trouble is only the king's pride

MACHI:

The trouble is always the king's pride

PAKUNODA:

Then I am lucky that I have had you by my side to help me bear it, gentle Cobweb

KALLUTO:

My ladies, should I leave?

PAKUNODA:

There's no need, Kalluto. We will dance. Won't we, lover?

MACHI:

Only for you, my queen

_(They exit. Enter UVOGIN and SHALNARK)_

UVOGIN:

Shal, you're exhausted. Let's stop for the night

SHALNARK:

It's fine. I can go a little further. We're not far enough away from Hisoka, yet.

UVOGIN:

Love, stop. You're fainting with sleep. I get worried when you're like this.

SHALNARK:

Alright. Alright. We can sleep here, I suppose. This grass will be my pillow

UVOGIN:

Your pillow? Ours, surely. We can share our bed and our warmth

SHALNARK:

No, love. You can sleep over there

UVOGIN:

Don't you trust me? I promise my motives are innocent

SHALNARK:

And I believe you! But if we're found, I wouldn't like to be food for gossip. And I'd rather keep my modesty in tact.

UVOGIN:

Alright. Your wish is my command. Sleep well, sweet heart.

SHALNARK:

And you, my lover.

_(They sleep)_

KORTOPI:

I've been everywhere. There's no part of this wood that I haven't scoured, and nowhere can I find a blonde man in green clothes. The sun will rise soon, and I'll be late back to my King. But wait...here is a large man, and there - left cold and alone on the muddy ground, a smaller one. Well, his clothes are not green, though they are stained by the grass. But there can be no larger mortal man. It must be him!

_(KORTOPI presses the juice into UVOGIN's eyes, and exits. Enter FEITAN)_

FEITAN:

I've lost sight of him now. And it's late. I'm so tired. Perhaps I should just give up. Rest, at least... at least for tonight.

But wait. Uvogin? Lying down? No Shalnark to be seen - but you would not leave him by choice. Are you dead or sleeping? I don't see any wound...if you live, Uvo, wake up!

UVOGIN:

Gladly, if every time I do I see so beautiful a face.

FEITAN:

I'm sorry, what?

UVOGIN:

Apologise for nothing, fair Feitan, except that you have stolen all of my heart and soul away from me

FEITAN:

I've done what?

UVOGIN:

Don't deny it. You don't need to hide anything from me. And it's so strong, you must feel it too

FEITAN:

This is really, really weird. Even for you. And it's not funny

UVOGIN:

I swear, Feitan, I mean this more than I have ever meant anything

FEITAN:

Like your love of Shalnark, maybe? I know this isn't real. I've never seen a love as strong or as faithful as the one you two share.

UVOGIN:

Shalnark? Is that what concerns you? He means nothing to me

FEITAN:

You don't mean that. This is a joke, and a sick joke at that

UVOGIN:

It is no such thing. Feitan. Fei, I love you

FEITAN:

Back off

UVOGIN:

Never. I will follow you to the ends of the earth if I have to

FEITAN:

This isn't funny, Uvo. Not to me and not to Shalnark, though I hope he never finds out. Let it go

_(FEITAN exits)_

UVOGIN:

He didn't see Shalnark. Good. Lie here, snake. Wait for Phinks. He'll be a fine lover for someone as spotted as you. My heart belongs to Feitan

_(UVOGIN exits. SHALNARK wakes)_

SHALNARK:

Uvo!...No. God. Just a nightmare. It was awful. I dreamt of chains, and they wrapped around you and dragged you away from me, to somewhere I couldn't follow. Where are you? I just. I need to know you're there

_(SHALNARK searches)_

Uvo? What happened...? Something. It must have done. You would never have left me here alone by choice. So beasts? Bandits? The Duke's men or something stranger? Either way, I'll find you. Please be safe till then.


End file.
